Your Wife is Not Your Best Friend

Tanya Folsom - my love, my life partner, my number one. "Best friend," no.

Tanya Folsom - my love, my life partner, my number one. "Best friend," no.

Whether they call them their sisters, their besties, their homegirls - women in general are much better at reaching out to other women for support and counsel in times of need.

Men could learn from them.

Instead, we men oftentimes hold other men at a polite distance, keeping up professional ties, recreational ties, and light social interactions at events our wives brought us to, or when we meet at our childrens’ birthday parties.

The male experience in contemporary western culture is inextricably linked to the shattered male bonds that existed in our tribal preagricultural bloodline. Almost all psychiatrists agree that the common theme in the male experience is a profound disconnect and distrust among men, stemming from a father-son schism from many generations ago.  Outside of sports, work and alcohol, we rarely make or keep authentic relationships with other men after school years.  We build a rolodex of acquaintances and associates but real friendships remain awkward and elusive.

This schism has led to a separation and distrust of men with each other, and us placing women in that role of our primary relationships. To the point where we even call our women our “best friend” - which is a disservice to them, and to us. 

It is a disservice to our women to call them our best friend not because we should avoid intimacy with them - just the opposite - but because married people have suffered too long under the misconception that our marital partners must be everything to us.

Wives in our society do quadruple time as surrogate mothers, our buddies, our spiritual companions, our sex partners, our business partners, our source of conversation, humor, meaning, and fun.

What flesh and blood person could be expected to successfully wear so many roles that in an era not so long ago, were enacted by numerous members of a community? 

Men, we let our wives go out from the girls from time to time, and when its time to go out with the guys we meet at a bar and watch a game over beers, swing our dicks around, and more often than not selecting ourselves out of an opportunity to experience deep friendship and honest communication with other men. 

Our wives are central to our lives. Our marital relationships an honor, a joy, and heralds of sacred responsibility. The generativity of our lives begins with our marriages. 

But our wives are not our best friends.