Step 37 Up the Tribe Triangle: Building and Maintaining Respect
Real Respect is Applied Kinship
Respect is an often-misunderstood component of modern society where people consider respect a right instead of a valuable earned level of kinship. This diminished version of respect is more like politeness than genuine respect which is defined as ‘a feeling of deep admiration for someone elicited by their abilities, qualities or achievements’. Genuine respect is an expression of value.
Politeness is granted, respect is earned.
Respect is eared through behavior during shared adversity and this only truly happens during the healthy conflict phase of the Tribe Triangle.
During the alignment phase we learn about our team’s culture and this develops knowledge and appreciation. During the kinship phase we learn about our team’s people and this brings us closer relationships and the experience of belonging. During the healthy conflict phase, we learn about our team’s character and this brings us respect. Families and organizations with high amounts of mutual respect demonstrate a higher level of overall success including increased morale, engagement and productivity. Adversity does not build character it reveals it.
“Knowledge will give you power, but character respect.”
-Bruce Lee
Respectful behavior during conflict generates respect. We learn and reveal more about ourselves in during failure and adversity than we do during success. This includes the unavoidable internal conflict within a competitive and ambitious team as well as the external conflict with competitors whom we must strive against. Respect is reciprocal because when it is earned it must be returned.
You cannot decree respect on your team, you can only behave respectfully and model the way you carry responsibility. Similarly, you cannot force people to respect you but you can refuse to be disrespected. Disrespect on a team is evidence of a culture failure in either alignment or kinship. As a leader, you must be vigilant for actions or feelings of disrespect on your team.
“Whoever acts with respect will get respect.”
-Rumi
Genuine respect involves a healthy component of recognition and regard of power. This does not mean fear but there must be an acknowledgement that there are consequences to disrespect and you must have access to these healthy responses.
We teach people how to treat us.
Dangerous tools like saws, knives or stoves are an example of this form of respect. They are very powerful tools but that power is drawn directly from the ability to cut or burn which is useful and necessary to be valuable but when treated without respect can cause injury. Powerful tools and powerful people are dangerous tools and people and must be respected.
Often, experiences of disrespect can stem from lack of communication style awareness and application. This indispensable kinship skill is vital for making and maintaining respect in your family and work team. Many times, what is construed as disrespect is simply a unskillful communication.
Lingering feelings and expressions of disrespect can also stem from feeling threatened by a family or team member becoming more powerful when you are not or getting promoted and praised when you are not. This is an example of lack of alignment and when you see this unhealthy lack of respect coming from competition in your family or team, you must quickly shore up and recommit to your culture foundation of shared vision, values and mission. When one of us wins, we all win. This is true respect and another reason why making and maintaining genuine respect can only happen in the healthy conflict phase.
Do not mistake respect for awe or deference. Be vigilant of this behavior from yourself toward those you admire and be extra watchful for this in your subordinate’s treatment of you. This false sense of respect is toxic and will undo your kinship culture which requires the safety to disagree and fail.
This false sense of respect is driven by pride and leads to ignorance and hubris.
“Unthinking respect for authority is the greatest enemy of truth.”
-Albert Einstein
Like everything else on this journey up the Tribe Triangle, respect starts with you, Tribe Leader. Respecting yourself leads to both self-discipline and self-care.
Respect is both earned and lost. Respect must be constantly maintained and is a driver of harmony in your family and team. The harmony of mutual respect is never permanent and there is no stasis or balance in the world especially in families and business. It is everchanging and, at its best, there is a harmony and respect during healthy conflict and change.
Mutual respect is the foundation of genuine harmony.”
-Dali Lama
Click here To watch the video of Step 37: Building and Maintaining Respect
Leaders Must Write and Speak
Answer these questions in your journal by really writing them down. Discuss them with at least one of your most important people and really listen to their response.
Who is the most respected member of your family or team? What behavior over time created that respect?
Who is the least respected member of your family or team? What behavior over time created that lack of respect?
This month Wolf Tribe is back in full force delivering transformational programs to both organizations such as Blizzard, USC & Hallett Leadership. Our youth department is sharing the wolf wisdom to the Archer School, Brentwood School and Seven Arrows Elementary School. If you have an organization that could benefit from our services please reach out to tanya@mywolftribe.com hear more about our program offerings
Ubuntu,
Philip Folsom